Braaains

A couple weeks ago Brent and I went to the Zombie walk downtown at First Fridays.
The best part of this walk are the reactions of unsuspecting people,
some think it's hilarious and a lot are very offended
how dare people dress up as zombies during Halloween season!!!
Believe me I have seen way more frightening people at previous First Fridays.
Lets just say some people should not wear mini skirts and no panties.
Okay no one should wear no panties and a mini skirt
if you are going to go commando be discreet gentleman.
After the walk we regrouped for fresh human flesh...
okay we met up with some friends at Red Robin and had burgers
and we saw Zombieland (it was hilarious)
then we went home and roamed the streets on our never ending quest for brains
and also Brent got a hold of the camera and had his own photo shoot




It was a perfect undead evening.

11 weeks

This was 2 weeks ago at 9 weeks no bump yet just my normal belly fat




I am almost out of the 1st trimester and hopefully clear of morning sickness.
It's already getting better...or I'm getting used to it I'm not sure
Brent and I met with the midwife a few days ago and we heard the heartbeat for the 1st time
it was amazing just amazing
it's real there is a little mini us growing in my belly and that is so exciting!!
We have picked out room colors and a crib already
slowly but surely this is becoming more and more real everyday
2nd trimester here I come!!!

Bump

This is the morning we found out about Bump(that is his or her in utero name since we aren't finding out the sex). So exciting!!! I can't even begin to described how blessed we feel. Even though the morning sickness is kicking my ass and I'm exhausted 90% of the time it's so worth it. We are going to be parents and this child is going to be the coolest kid you ever met :) I am going to try and update this blog more often and document my pregnancy if I can stay awake.

Equality

I work at a chiropractors office as a receptionist. This means I have to maintain a professional cool at all times. Did I mention this office is in Mesa? This means I have to watch every word that comes out of my mouth( I tend to offend Mormons very easily) and pretty much keep my opinion to myself when political and religious subjects arise. Yesterday I was reading an article in People magazine about Nate Berkus and the loss of his partner in the tsunami of 2004. I made a comment about this article to my friend and coworker Stephanie. A patient at the desk looked straight at me and said " the whole gay couple thing grosses me out." I said nothing I kept my cool and she left. I take these comments so fiercely personal. My brother who passed away last year had just come out of the closet to me a few years prior to his death. My brother was an amazing person who wasn't afraid to hide who he was. Everyone in my family was so supportive and loving when he made the decision to tell everyone who he was. He had a wonderful partner who we loved and accepted as a part of our family. So when someone says something like "gay couples gross me out" I take it as an insult. My brother wasn't gross. He was blessed enough to find love and be loved at such a young age. This started me thinking about how much I say I want things to change in this country. How much I want equal rights for EVERYONE. I feel guilty all the time that I was able to get married. I LOVE my husband and love being married to him I am truly blessed but it's doesn't seem fair when there are so many other happy loving couples out there who don't get that right. I need to stop saying I want change and get my ass up and fight for change. Everyone in this country deserves equal rights and I'm done talking about it. I am joining the cause. I will teach my children love and tolerance on EVERYONE no matter the differences. Hold me to this guys. I am serious. I'm done sitting and crying I'm getting up. This is for Nick and everyone else who want and need these rights.

The last time

Nick and Jen March 2008 in Los Angeles

It has been one year since I last saw him
I asked him to help me put on sunscreen
I had gone out to the renaissance festival a couple weeks before
the sun had given me awful tan lines
my dress was strapless
and the wedding was three weeks away
he carefully applied sunscreen on my back
around my silly tan lines so that I could even my tan out
later I was using his computer to do my taxes last minute
he was leaving for the evening
the last time I saw him he asked me to shut off his computer
and shut his bedroom door when I was done
pretty boring
sometimes I wish it was better
wish I had known so could have hugged him
or told him how much I loved him
so unremarkable
yet I will remember it for the rest of my life

Apologies

This is a hard time of year for me
April is a shitty month
so I understand if you guys wanna avoid my blog until I get a little more cheery
I'm just still almost a year later
trying to come to grips with the fact that I will never see Nick again
there is still a part of me that despite my realistic side still thinks I can't fully accept it
cause Nick is coming back
I'm not a crazy person I know death is it
but I can't help but imagine that he might
April 10th it will have been one full year since I saw my brother
April 12th it will have been one full year since I spoke to him
it's insanity
and dammit I want my freaking funny back
it's the best part of me
and I can't help but think Nick is an asshole for stealing it when he left :)

Question

I have said this before
losing my brother changed me
only I still cannot fully grasp how
today I realized one of the ways I am different
I think because Nick and I were so similar in the way we joked and laughed
I lost my goofiness
I can't make people laugh like I used to and I truly believe it is because without Nick
I'm not me and the sadness has taken some of my humor
it's not that I don' laugh or joke
just not like I used to
which leads me to my question
when you lose someone so close to your heart it changes you but how do you embrace those changes and learn to love your new self?
I'm not gonna lie lately I think I liked the old Cora better then the new one